i am now burdened with a dilemma and a ton of hurt feelings i much greatly acquired from so-called important people in life. it was a great pleasure knowing who you really are and how you all star your own show. i am in awe at how masterfully everything has been played out. i can't help but give you all a standing ovation in a one scene act of a play about me, with me as your audience. i am grateful that somehow you have paid much attention and careful deliberation of how all this drama is going to be played.
somehow i can put myself to blame in this scenario, and yes who else should be blamed in your eyes. i am sorry im not cut to be what you call an equal. and i am sorry i can't keep up or go with how you all roll. and i am sorry that i am much less of a person than you. and i am sorry for blocking your view and being a nuisance.
i am immensely thankful to you and you and you.. congratulations at the effort on making me look like a fool. and thank you for dipping my self-esteem on an all-time low. show's over..
Friday, November 5, 2010
tonight the family got to talk to him for a longer time. i was excited for the most part of it but i didn't know what to say. when i picked up the phone i realized i barely could remember the voice. his voice. he was after all a stranger.
as the conversation went on and on, i find that i never really remembered much about him. he was papa. he did this and that. but somehow, there was something there. but i am no 4 year old kid who has built so much ideals about her dad or the world. i am a 24 year old young woman who has seen her share of reality that things are not as perfect as you would want to think.
i thought that i'd get used to the idea of broken families, spouses getting new partners and all, it's been a trend lately. you see it on television, it happens to people around you. but you never get to know how bad it feels until you experience it yourself. i grew up thinking my father was still hooked to my mom and vice versa. my mom spent the twenty years without him, devoting her time to us, maybe hoping the man she married would come back. she never tried dating anyone not even get a social life on her own. she was so focused on raising us single-handedly.
tonight, i salute my mom for being strong. she didn't break down when she heard him say he was living with someone else. the funny thing was i asked him if he lived alone and he hesitated before saying yes, with a quick, you're smart after that. my mom didn't show any emotion or give away a hint of hurt when she heard him say that. no wonder he told me, he would come back if mom would accept him. after i heard mom say this i never talked to the other line again.
i never once imagined he too would do this. it was another burst bubble for the bubble girl. i had too many ideals in mind about him and it faded when i heard this. yes, we are still his family. he even said he wanted to come back here and die here. but i don't know now how or what to feel. i know though that i feel so much for my mom. and yes, i am all the more proud of her for being so steadfast and strong when she could have done otherwise. i feel sorry for her when she had to go through everything and yet, this is what she will get from a man she loved for years. i don't hate my dad, i have long since gotten used to the idea of "a man's gotta do what he's gotta do", but it takes a lot of time to get used to. it takes a lot of forgiving and forgetting before it will truly sink in. but not now. not yet.
** if my thoughts are so cluttered and disorganized more than usual, sorry, i wrote this at a really bad time. i just wanted to share...
hazy is how i see the line
the good and the bad i have yet to find
the future i much so seek
yet with every step i take is weak
the forces of the world try to pull me down
i'm the king of nothing without a crown
the dark seem empowering and strong
with forces i could never go along
flashes of red parade infront of me
this rage i now seem to be
the beauty of pure has disappeared
the taste for hate i much so feared
has taken over the pureness of late
with all strength that seems so great
i cannot control nor keep it at bay
creating havoc within in every way
to this new found life i seek escape
from the darkness, the light seems to gape
take me out of this chaos
the battle i feel i have lost.
*musings of a confused mind
Monday, October 25, 2010
it's a pity how people still want me to be someone else. it's even a pity that still a lot of them don't get me and my ways. there are a few who stick around even when i am being me. they're the people who are real around me and love me no matter how much of a monster i am. whatever i do, whoever i am... i am happy and content to be that.
the pen and the paper were always my haven. im never good with spoken words, im too scared to say it in person. yes i can babble a thousand things, a thousand jokes but i remain quiet when my emotions and feelings are on a rush. my mind seems to outrun my speaking ability most of the time, i end up saying words in the wrong order. but writing is different. my former obsession was collecting notebooks and ballpens. every time i'd get my paycheck, i used to buy a new notebook or pen. it's where i can pour out how i feel; my life is in it.
and so i stumbled upon social networking sites, blog sites, mini blogs aka twitter and i found a place where i can be heard. i call it my home and my place. it's like a domain i call mine, just one page where i can be heard, where i can let it all out. i can write accordingly to what i feel or what my mind tells me. but sometimes even people dont want to know exactly how i feel. they just want me to shut up or at least say good things all the time. but im not like that. im not a good person all the time. i know when to be good and when to get mean. im not some person with just one emotion.
i feel sad most of the time and sometimes angry when provoked. and i will not take it that someone just speak meanly to me without fighting back. we reach our end points sometimes, we give in to our rage or irritation. i have been learning to defend myself in times like these. it took me a good three years to learn the craft of standing up and gaining some leverage to fight back. i am a person too and they should never forget that. a person has to be respected and not be manned on how you want them to act. this girl is no robot to do or say what you want her to say. i have my own mind and my own ways. if no one can respect much less accept that, then no thanks, i don't need your company by any means. i am never affectatious and i speak what i want to say. there are people who i would hurt along the way but i want to tell them this: life is harsh, deal with it.
what i want to say to the people who want me to shut up is, no matter what you do, you will never shut me up. this is my castle and i am queen. if you don't want to see the damage my words is creating, leave. it's just proof saying you can't handle me when i am being me. i could do well without one who pretends to accept me, but clearly can't.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
i should be sulking, right? if it had happened a few months ago i would be completely down and bruised. but it happened like it did, at exactly that time. i have posted tons of blogs about this love affair but now it seems so blurry to me. it's like the past i have completely forgotten to see. your name no longer makes me wince nor your old messages of bullcrap make me reminisce. it's completely gone gone gone gone gone.
lately i feel so happy, so giddy, so complete. no one is mistreating me anymore. no one's been foul-mouthing me and disrespecting. it is very liberating to be out of a lie. i am happy it happened. im not sad, im not depressed and im not faking it at all. there is so much in life to love. there are so many people to love and who'll love me the way i want them to :)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
i took a vacation to clear out all the stress from my mind. i have noticed, towards the end of the year i get this certain crazed feeling. it must be the change in weather. still my mind is cluttered with so many things to do, so many things to think about. there is so much one can take. id like to think of it as a temporary crisis. i will be fine tomorrow, i guess. there's just too much and my emotions are just taking the best of me. so i am not writing much of my thoughts these days...
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
last night as i was pondering on whether i should push through with a trip to Manila, of which my mom never knew of, my mom shared to me a thought i wanted to shut out that time. it didn't hit me until today that what she told me was right. for one, i never thought i would hear it from my mom, another is i never thought it could really apply to me, til now. as we were lying beside each other in bed she said,
"you should be careful of whoever you want to end up with. be wise in selecting your future mate. do not rush at whoever is available, just because he is available. try to find someone suitable for you. and then pray to Mama Mary for guidance for the man you are going to marry. always pray for guidance. nowadays there are many who would want you just for fun. always pray".
at that time, i plugged in my headphones and shut her out. but i pondered on it and what she said of course was true. it was shocking to have it come from my mom, who never wanted us to date yet. she may have succumbed to the idea that we are grown-ups and that we are searching for mr right. it was valuable. it does not happen everyday for a mom like mine. i am glad she said that. i went and gave her a hug tonight. part of that was a silent thank you for what she said.
i love you ma. thanks for being my mom. i thank the lord more for giving me a mom like you. cautious yet giving us room to grow on our own. i may have not appreciated your ways before but i sure do appreciate them now that we are grown ups. i wouldn't want it any other way. i am so proud of you :)
Friday, September 24, 2010
i have tried my best for the last 2 years, trying to compensate with every time he disappeared without a word. i throw my hands up in the air as i say all this... i give up. finally with all conviction i say i give up. maybe it just happened at a bad time in my life when work pushes so much pressure and health is just failing and you just have much trouble with your family. i tried to change every norm to be with this man for the last two years. best of all i swallowed the largest part of my pride, taking in a pre-existent girlfriend with a kid on the way, an old woman for another girlfriend and the fact that he nonchalantly takes me for granted. besides all that i chose to be a fool on the thought of him making me happy when he has made me miserable more than half of the time.
i give up trying, of pushing too far my limits just because i love this person. yes, i do after all that. but im a grown up with an intimacy need of more than he could offer. i long to be taken cared of, just a simple consideration, nothing much. i know this is selfish of me, but humans have their own levels of selfishness and mine has reached its limit.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Monday, September 13, 2010
photo taken by me using my cam phone (nokia 2730-c) early this morning after cleaning my desk void of all that clutter. my desk @ my workplace. edited using www.picnik.com
a huge part of all the changes in my life is the task i carry. i have to carry this responsibility of keeping this department alive, single handedly. i don't even know i how i do it or how i even manage to squeeze in moments of slack. but whatever i render to the company i work for is the best that i can. for a novice like me, it's one tough pill to swallow. seven months ago i was completely clueless of how the thing goes. i learned throughout that time but it isn't perfect. i am not perfect. i have made huge mistakes and did some wrong turns. i had to learn it the hard way. i am struggling, very much struggling to keep this thing alive.
i go home at night rather tired, sometimes with more tasks to do. i rarely sleep. i rarely think straight. but i have to do my duty. sleepless nights, pressured meetings, thick air during crunch time... again it's no walk in the park for everyone. but the things really commendable of people i work with who do pull through: their love, loyalty and sense of voluntarism, of which you rarely see nowadays. i hope they see what we have kept alive. i hope they can see the sacrifice every time we make extra effort and give in extra hours. we don't expect a high pay, we just want some appreciation for our love for our work.
am i making some sense on this post? haha clearly i am a bit pressured, no really pressured now. but have to give what you can right? gotta love your job! now off to doing my homework for tomorrow! haaayyy another sleepless night!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
photo taken by yours truly. sinulog 2010.
edited using www.picnik.com
i met this silent lady october 2008. she kept silent while i was blabbering the night away. i was a different character on an online site, she was quite my opposite. i never thought back then i can be really close to this person because i had my own sinister world and hers was beautiful and peaceful. but i guess it was fate that brought me and her together, to build a friendship a lot of people would be envious of.
of course we have a few very good friends, close to us whom we share this kind of friendship with (juana i will make a separate one for you) but this one in particular touched my life more than one way. i cannot recall what brought us so close but i want to say that because of that, my life turned 360. we cheer each other up by being each others' shoulder to cry on. we make these trips to places to eat, to talk, to bewilder ourselves and to spend good time together.
warm brownie cups at la marea, chicken chicharon and tanduay ice at iamik's. ginabot ang ngohiong across JY. GPS and dancing at vudu. pictures. conversations. i miss them all since she left. admittedly, i feel a void in my life for her not being here. we make up for it for skype chats, ym conferences, texts of which i can't catch up now on my busy schedule. i miss this very very dear friend of mine. laughing without her isn't the same. sharing my woes to her was my pain and stress reliever. i miss her through this distance. but i know, in our hearts we are beside each other and will be there for each other.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
photos taken by yours truly. sunrise at the our lady of manaoag shrine in carmen, cebu
edited using www.picnick.com HDR-ish and vignette
there is a place i long to be
there is a silence i want to envelope myself in
i want to lose the remnants of my world's chaos
and just feel and hear the absence of the noise that pollutes my day
just bask in the glory of being away from the hustle and bustle of everyday
someday i will find you
someday i can hold you in my arms
someday i will feel you dear peace
Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13
photo by yours truly. taken at the our lady of manaoag shrine in carmen, cebu
edited through: www.picnik.com using lomo-ish and orton-ish effects
i am silent about my faith, but that doesn't mean i don't believe. i am a devout catholic and i pray. i am passionate about my faith, although people might not see that. everything i have now, everything i am experiencing now, i owe it to God, the Almighty One. He has given me all things good, nothing bad at all. i believe that God brings problems for us to learn. He doesn't give us what we want but what we need. and i am so grateful of everything.
my family, my friends, my work, my peers, my on/off love interest, my foes... all are gifts from God. Thank You Lord!
photo: smallest minds year 1 in Argao. edited using picnik.com. using orton-ish, focal B&W, softening and vignette
SMALLEST MINDS: mark, majoy, mae, jason, kachiri, (yours truly), cheeky, polvie, eva, bibo, archie, gabe, bella
it's been a rocky 5 years, running on 6 (i wasn't there on the 5th anniversary). i always felt i was the odd one out, slacking, doing weird stuff, disappearing and neglecting these people. but you know what was amazing? when i turn to them, they're still there, of course they'd scold me or talk to me about what i did, but that was all out of sheer concern.
i met these random people, two from highschool and the rest from college. who would have thought we would all be celebrating 5 years of nonsense jokes, deep conversations, heartfelt hugs and meaningful tears? i guess, we all did. we did think that we would sit and reminisce together with our canes and all. they're the ones for keeps, you know. i owe much of my strength, wisdom, smiles, happiness and childlike ignorance to them. i still love spending time with all of you, i wish i could turn back time and change what has been done. i could only live with regrets. i wish i could spend more time with them. i wish i could catch up. i love these people
i ♥ smallest minds
photo: dessert plate remnants of my birthday lunch at Tides (Shangrila's Mactan Island Resort) edited through Photoshop CS5
aside from blogging rants and raves about everything and anything on the planet, i love photos. :)
i love taking them even when i don't have my own high-tech camera and i think i take pictures fairly well, say just a little above average (im gloating!). another thing i love to do about the pictures i take is to super-size them by editing them. i like giving a greater feel to them since i just have only an access to a point and shoot camera and my cam phone.
in the future posts i will be putting on, i will load em up as they are, edit them with my Photoshop CS5 :) or picnik.com :) either way i will be indicating them on every blog.