oceanlab - i am what i am

Monday, October 25, 2010

just me.

it's a pity how people still want me to be someone else. it's even a pity that still a lot of them don't get me and my ways. there are a few who stick around even when i am being me. they're the people who are real around me and love me no matter how much of a monster i am. whatever i do, whoever i am... i am happy and content to be that.

the pen and the paper were always my haven. im never good with spoken words, im too scared to say it in person. yes i can babble a thousand things, a thousand jokes but i remain quiet when my emotions and feelings are on a rush. my mind seems to outrun my speaking ability most of the time, i end up saying words in the wrong order. but writing is different. my former obsession was collecting notebooks and ballpens. every time i'd get my paycheck, i used to buy a new notebook or pen. it's where i can pour out how i feel; my life is in it.

and so i stumbled upon social networking sites, blog sites, mini blogs aka twitter and i found a place where i can be heard. i call it my home and my place. it's like a domain i call mine, just one page where i can be heard, where i can let it all out. i can write accordingly to what i feel or what my mind tells me. but sometimes even people dont want to know exactly how i feel. they just want me to shut up or at least say good things all the time. but im not like that. im not a good person all the time. i know when to be good and when to get mean. im not some person with just one emotion.

i feel sad most of the time and sometimes angry when provoked. and i will not take it that someone just speak meanly to me without fighting back. we reach our end points sometimes, we give in to our rage or irritation. i have been learning to defend myself in times like these. it took me a good three years to learn the craft of standing up and gaining some leverage to fight back. i am a person too and they should never forget that. a person has to be respected and not be manned on how you want them to act. this girl is no robot to do or say what you want her to say. i have my own mind and my own ways. if no one can respect much less accept that, then no thanks, i don't need your company by any means. i am never affectatious and i speak what i want to say. there are people who i would hurt along the way but i want to tell them this: life is harsh, deal with it.

what i want to say to the people who want me to shut up is, no matter what you do, you will never shut me up. this is my castle and i am queen. if you don't want to see the damage my words is creating, leave. it's just proof saying you can't handle me when i am being me. i could do well without one who pretends to accept me, but clearly can't.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

im happy :)

i should be sulking, right? if it had happened a few months ago i would be completely down and bruised. but it happened like it did, at exactly that time. i have posted tons of blogs about this love affair but now it seems so blurry to me. it's like the past i have completely forgotten to see. your name no longer makes me wince nor your old messages of bullcrap make me reminisce. it's completely gone gone gone gone gone.

lately i feel so happy, so giddy, so complete. no one is mistreating me anymore. no one's been foul-mouthing me and disrespecting. it is very liberating to be out of a lie. i am happy it happened. im not sad, im not depressed and im not faking it at all. there is so much in life to love. there are so many people to love and who'll love me the way i want them to :)

Thursday, October 7, 2010

blank me out...

 photo by JVEchavez

i took a vacation to clear out all the stress from my mind. i have noticed, towards the end of the year i get this certain crazed feeling. it must be the change in weather. still my mind is cluttered with so many things to do, so many things to think about. there is so much one can take. id like to think of it as a temporary crisis. i will be fine tomorrow, i guess. there's just too much and my emotions are just taking the best of me. so i am not writing much of my thoughts these days...