my life in ruins

SMALLEST MINDS

that's what i thought when i packed my bags and left my workplace. how was i gonna handle being broke? i took up a meager online job just to give me a few bucks to live and go out. but was that enough? financially no. but i found myself a lot more at peace with myself.

i used to break with the thought of having no moolah. my life was way cool with it. nights out, new gadgets but what are they anyway? was it worth battling the stress and dissatisfaction? i realized later it totally wasn't.

i definitely can relate to jessie j singing "it's not about the money, money, money" because life wasn't. after 4 years of working my ass off, partying, spending all i had, i found that it doesn't define life. of course it gets you to place but it certainly ain't everything.

there were so many things that i thought would make me complete but didn't. quitting my job and getting to know myself again led me back to where i started. i got to know my best friends again and i was sorry i let it go and made my work an excuse. i am certainly lucky having friends like them, waiting for me, always there for me all those days. i got to know them again, got to know how fun it was with them. they caught me at the right time in my life and i will be forever indebted to this bunch. and even if two had to leave, it's only physical distance. in my heart the friendship remains....

new choice.

this week is my last week at work. i will be leaving a place that has been part of my weekday routine. it's hard to leave the place because of the people, not the workload. they often ask me why am i quitting, here are reasons why:
1. the work pressure has been slightly too much for me that my brain tends to overheat and my health status seems to be dropping by the minute. it's not only me who breaks with pressure, my body too. i have what they call a physical manifestation of stress.
2. being insulted is not fun. i am the type of person who often says yes and ok but not to the point that i feel so degraded and treated less of a person. i may understand what the underlying reason may be but it doesn't make sense in anyway that one person will have the liberty of playing you for a fool. that's the worst thing i could ever allow people to do.
3. i just lost the heart to. i really feel there is something else out there for me. other than this, other than what i have now, of which im going to lose in a few days.

it's not that i'm being chicken, it's just that it's no longer fun. it's hard to be in one place where it's no longer fun. it consumes all the energy left. it took away something really important, myself. i grew eyebags over time, i lost the smile that used to be there, all ready to make an appearance. even my way of writing doesn't seem right.

i guess im rather brave to do this. i'm braver to take on things that will make my future brighter. i think it's rather wise to move on than stay here.

anti-love

to close the love month, i would like to post something about love. well, it contains that word, but it's absolutely not that. ANTI-LOVE.

oh i must be a bit misleading when i talk about love, or write some cheesy lines, i have had my moments but it ain't strong enough to make me want to be in a relationship of that sort. the cheesy lines were brought about the moment, the weather and the february season. the radio doesn't help either. most of the songs i get to hear convey thoughts of cheesiness, of being in love. don't they know that the feeling can bring you to great lengths, but if it's not for you, then you'd land on your butt with the loudest thud that could create an intensity 7 earthquake.

i know i'm being so negative about romance, hey, i do believe in love. i do believe that someone's meant for you and that sort of thing, but for now, i'd like to rest the case. perhaps, you'd have to get your heart badly bruised and beaten before you raise the white flag and lose hope. i guess i am just being too scared of being treated that way, of being hurt so bad you thought no one could treat you right.

i have perhaps become a skeptic in the love department (for now). i have come to the conclusion that i know myself when i fall in love and one more mistake could probably kill what i have left. through the mess that i have been in, i have learned to love myself more above all else. i learned to respect myself and ask for what i deserve. i have learned that love is give and take and nothing else. you give, they take. they give, you take. they go together, nothing and no one is left out.

for a chance in love, i think i have to rest the situation. i am not after anyone, any guy as of the moment. i am on the road towards making myself happy. if he comes along, then lucky for me. i am not closing my doors for mr right or mr right-now. i am just simply enjoying what i have right now, self-love.