oceanlab - i am what i am

Thursday, February 24, 2011


what people don't know won't hurt them, right? maybe, probably. what's it got to do with this honest to goodness post, bottom line is I'M EXHAUSTED. yes, to some people it's just a minor thing, this pressure around me. i mean pressure is to be taken positively, right? WRONG. it absolutely depends on the person and how he copes with stress. me and stress don't co-exist in the same ecosystem. i fret with stress, i break with pressure. i can't think because i'm thinking too much with too little output. you see, i perceived stress too much than what is normal. yes, i deliver but the stress of not being able to deliver successfully is the matter. i always move to do something that would make a change but when i see it falling, i think about what will happen, the heart beats faster and boom, the concentration goes out the door.

this means i shut down with stress, like i'm always in panic mode, but no i never want people to see that i'm breaking, i just simply shut myself out. work pressure, cool it's manageable. but do they really think i'm just having work pressure? you have got to be kidding me. i have problems, no 25-year old can imagine, well to some of the same level as i am. i don't know how else to get rid of the stress but to get away from it, run away from it until it disappears on its own, which doesnt happen AT ALL. i'm like this, this is just the way i am. and please don't let me dish out whatever it is that i'm suffering right now, it's too whiny.

i need help. fast. and that's understanding. but hell, where can i get that now when i am surrounded by self-centered freaks who want it their way. i know times are hard and we have to put up with whatever it is that we have and be thankful of it. but how can we be thankful of it when it makes you sick. i had to take an hourly dose of tums and your tummy starts to grumble 3 kms from work, you feel acid going up your throat and then the headache comes in. and you feel all the same when you hear shouting in your house of some small thing that could bring up old grudges and a list of hurt feelings from a person who you NEVER considered as a competition but considers you as so.

i don't want to draw much attention to this phase in my life. i just need consideration THAT I AM HUMAN and I HAVE FEELINGS. i am not perfect. i have flaws, too many of them. i am sorry i am not perfect that i can't change the way i am everytime you tell me what's good or bad. i am not the ballerina in the jewelry box that you wind up and will give you a perfect dance everytime you do that. sometimes i break because i have my limit too.

I NEED HELP. I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME SOMETIMES. i am not a wall, even though sometimes i seem like so or i seem to be always happy. *sigh*

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