oceanlab - i am what i am

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

my mom's wise words


last night as i was pondering on whether i should push through with a trip to Manila, of which my mom never knew of, my mom shared to me a thought i wanted to shut out that time. it didn't hit me until today that what she told me was right. for one, i never thought i would hear it from my mom, another is i never thought it could really apply to me, til now. as we were lying beside each other in bed she said,

"you should be careful of whoever you want to end up with. be wise in selecting your future mate. do not rush at whoever is available, just because he is available. try to find someone suitable for you. and then pray to Mama Mary for guidance for the man you are going to marry. always pray for guidance. nowadays there are many who would want you just for fun. always pray".

at that time, i plugged in my headphones and shut her out. but i pondered on it and what she said of course was true. it was shocking to have it come from my mom, who never wanted us to date yet. she may have succumbed to the idea that we are grown-ups and that we are searching for mr right. it was valuable. it does not happen everyday for a mom like mine. i am glad she said that. i went and gave her a hug tonight. part of that was a silent thank you for what she said.

i love you ma. thanks for being my mom. i thank the lord more for giving me a mom like you. cautious yet giving us room to grow on our own. i may have not appreciated your ways before but i sure do appreciate them now that we are grown ups. i wouldn't want it any other way. i am so proud of you :)

Friday, September 24, 2010

i have tried

i have tried my best for the last 2 years, trying to compensate with every time he disappeared without a word. i throw my hands up in the air as i say all this... i give up. finally with all conviction i say i give up. maybe it just happened at a bad time in my life when work pushes so much pressure and health is just failing and you just have much trouble with your family. i tried to change every norm to be with this man for the last two years. best of all i swallowed the largest part of my pride, taking in a pre-existent girlfriend with a kid on the way, an old woman for another girlfriend and the fact that he nonchalantly takes me for granted. besides all that i chose to be a fool on the thought of him making me happy when he has made me miserable more than half of the time.

i give up trying, of pushing too far my limits just because i love this person. yes, i do after all that. but im a grown up with an intimacy need of more than he could offer. i long to be taken cared of, just a simple consideration, nothing much. i know this is selfish of me, but humans have their own levels of selfishness and mine has reached its limit.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010


after being awake for a long tiime i couldn't resist the beckoning of my bed. it was just too tempting that when i hit the bed, i fell asleep right away. i slept through my alarm and subconsciously turned off the snooze button. i was just too tired i guess... :(

Monday, September 13, 2010

crunch time

photo taken by me using my cam phone (nokia 2730-c) early this morning after cleaning my desk void of all that clutter. my desk @ my workplace. edited using www.picnik.com

a huge part of all the changes in my life is the task i carry. i have to carry this responsibility of keeping this department alive, single handedly. i don't even know i how i do it or how i even manage to squeeze in moments of slack. but whatever i render to the company i work for is the best that i can. for a novice like me, it's one tough pill to swallow. seven months ago i was completely clueless of how the thing goes. i learned throughout that time but it isn't perfect. i am not perfect. i have made huge mistakes and did some wrong turns. i had to learn it the hard way. i am struggling, very much struggling to keep this thing alive.

i go home at night rather tired, sometimes with more tasks to do. i rarely sleep. i rarely think straight. but i have to do my duty. sleepless nights, pressured meetings, thick air during crunch time... again it's no walk in the park for everyone. but the things really commendable of people i work with who do pull through: their love, loyalty and sense of voluntarism, of which you rarely see nowadays. i hope they see what we have kept alive. i hope they can see the sacrifice every time we make extra effort and give in extra hours. we don't expect a high pay, we just want some appreciation for our love for our work.

am i making some sense on this post? haha clearly i am a bit pressured, no really pressured now. but have to give what you can right? gotta love your job! now off to doing my homework for tomorrow! haaayyy another sleepless night!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

and there is one more...

i miss you!
photo taken by yours truly. sinulog 2010.
edited using www.picnik.com

for nashmi.

i met this silent lady october 2008. she kept silent while i was blabbering the night away. i was a different character on an online site, she was quite my opposite. i never thought back then i can be really close to this person because i had my own sinister world and hers was beautiful and peaceful. but i guess it was fate that brought me and her together, to build a friendship a lot of people would be envious of.

of course we have a few very good friends, close to us whom we share this kind of friendship with (juana i will make a separate one for you) but this one in particular touched my life more than one way. i cannot recall what brought us so close but i want to say that because of that, my life turned 360. we cheer each other up by being each others' shoulder to cry on. we make these trips to places to eat, to talk, to bewilder ourselves and to spend good time together.

warm brownie cups at la marea, chicken chicharon and tanduay ice at iamik's. ginabot ang ngohiong across JY. GPS and dancing at vudu. pictures. conversations. i miss them all since she left. admittedly, i feel a void in my life for her not being here. we make up for it for skype chats, ym conferences, texts of which i can't catch up now on my busy schedule. i miss this very very dear friend of mine. laughing without her isn't the same. sharing my woes to her was my pain and stress reliever. i miss her through this distance. but i know, in our hearts we are beside each other and will be there for each other.

Saturday, September 11, 2010



photos taken by yours truly. sunrise at the our lady of manaoag shrine in carmen, cebu
edited using www.picnick.com HDR-ish and vignette

there is a place i long to be
there is a silence i want to envelope myself in
i want to lose the remnants of my world's chaos
and just feel and hear the absence of the noise that pollutes my day
just bask in the glory of being away from the hustle and bustle of everyday
someday i will find you
someday i can hold you in my arms
someday i will feel you dear peace

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be men of courage; be strong.
1 Corinthians 16:13

photo by yours truly. taken at the our lady of manaoag shrine in carmen, cebu
edited through: www.picnik.com using lomo-ish and orton-ish effects

i am silent about my faith, but that doesn't mean i don't believe. i am a devout catholic and i pray. i am passionate about my faith, although people might not see that. everything i have now, everything i am experiencing now, i owe it to God, the Almighty One. He has given me all things good, nothing bad at all. i believe that God brings problems for us to learn. He doesn't give us what we want but what we need. and i am so grateful of everything.

my family, my friends, my work, my peers, my on/off love interest, my foes... all are gifts from God. Thank You Lord! 

a tribute to the people i owe much to

smallest minds
 photo: smallest minds year 1 in Argao. edited using picnik.com. using orton-ish, focal B&W, softening and vignette

SMALLEST MINDS: mark, majoy, mae, jason, kachiri, (yours truly), cheeky, polvie, eva, bibo, archie, gabe, bella

it's been a rocky 5 years, running on 6 (i wasn't there on the 5th anniversary). i always felt i was the odd one out, slacking, doing weird stuff, disappearing and neglecting these people. but you know what was amazing? when i turn to them, they're still there, of course they'd scold me or talk to me about what i did, but that was all out of sheer concern.

i met these random people, two from highschool and the rest from college. who would have thought we would all be celebrating 5 years of nonsense jokes, deep conversations, heartfelt hugs and meaningful tears? i guess, we all did. we did think that we would sit and reminisce together with our canes and all. they're the ones for keeps, you know. i owe much of my strength, wisdom, smiles, happiness and childlike ignorance to them. i still love spending time with all of you, i wish i could turn back time and change what has been done. i could only live with regrets. i wish i could spend more time with them. i wish i could catch up. i love these people

i ♥ smallest minds

what i love...

photo: dessert plate remnants of my birthday lunch at Tides (Shangrila's Mactan Island Resort) edited through Photoshop CS5

aside from blogging rants and raves about everything and anything on the planet, i love photos. :)

i love taking them even when i don't have my own high-tech camera and i think i take pictures fairly well, say just a little above average (im gloating!). another thing i love to do about the pictures i take is to super-size them by editing them. i like giving a greater feel to them since i just have only an access to a point and shoot camera and my cam phone.

in the future posts i will be putting on, i will load em up as they are, edit them with my Photoshop CS5 :) or picnik.com :) either way i will be indicating them on every blog.