my life in ruins

SMALLEST MINDS

that's what i thought when i packed my bags and left my workplace. how was i gonna handle being broke? i took up a meager online job just to give me a few bucks to live and go out. but was that enough? financially no. but i found myself a lot more at peace with myself.

i used to break with the thought of having no moolah. my life was way cool with it. nights out, new gadgets but what are they anyway? was it worth battling the stress and dissatisfaction? i realized later it totally wasn't.

i definitely can relate to jessie j singing "it's not about the money, money, money" because life wasn't. after 4 years of working my ass off, partying, spending all i had, i found that it doesn't define life. of course it gets you to place but it certainly ain't everything.

there were so many things that i thought would make me complete but didn't. quitting my job and getting to know myself again led me back to where i started. i got to know my best friends again and i was sorry i let it go and made my work an excuse. i am certainly lucky having friends like them, waiting for me, always there for me all those days. i got to know them again, got to know how fun it was with them. they caught me at the right time in my life and i will be forever indebted to this bunch. and even if two had to leave, it's only physical distance. in my heart the friendship remains....

new choice.

this week is my last week at work. i will be leaving a place that has been part of my weekday routine. it's hard to leave the place because of the people, not the workload. they often ask me why am i quitting, here are reasons why:
1. the work pressure has been slightly too much for me that my brain tends to overheat and my health status seems to be dropping by the minute. it's not only me who breaks with pressure, my body too. i have what they call a physical manifestation of stress.
2. being insulted is not fun. i am the type of person who often says yes and ok but not to the point that i feel so degraded and treated less of a person. i may understand what the underlying reason may be but it doesn't make sense in anyway that one person will have the liberty of playing you for a fool. that's the worst thing i could ever allow people to do.
3. i just lost the heart to. i really feel there is something else out there for me. other than this, other than what i have now, of which im going to lose in a few days.

it's not that i'm being chicken, it's just that it's no longer fun. it's hard to be in one place where it's no longer fun. it consumes all the energy left. it took away something really important, myself. i grew eyebags over time, i lost the smile that used to be there, all ready to make an appearance. even my way of writing doesn't seem right.

i guess im rather brave to do this. i'm braver to take on things that will make my future brighter. i think it's rather wise to move on than stay here.

anti-love

to close the love month, i would like to post something about love. well, it contains that word, but it's absolutely not that. ANTI-LOVE.

oh i must be a bit misleading when i talk about love, or write some cheesy lines, i have had my moments but it ain't strong enough to make me want to be in a relationship of that sort. the cheesy lines were brought about the moment, the weather and the february season. the radio doesn't help either. most of the songs i get to hear convey thoughts of cheesiness, of being in love. don't they know that the feeling can bring you to great lengths, but if it's not for you, then you'd land on your butt with the loudest thud that could create an intensity 7 earthquake.

i know i'm being so negative about romance, hey, i do believe in love. i do believe that someone's meant for you and that sort of thing, but for now, i'd like to rest the case. perhaps, you'd have to get your heart badly bruised and beaten before you raise the white flag and lose hope. i guess i am just being too scared of being treated that way, of being hurt so bad you thought no one could treat you right.

i have perhaps become a skeptic in the love department (for now). i have come to the conclusion that i know myself when i fall in love and one more mistake could probably kill what i have left. through the mess that i have been in, i have learned to love myself more above all else. i learned to respect myself and ask for what i deserve. i have learned that love is give and take and nothing else. you give, they take. they give, you take. they go together, nothing and no one is left out.

for a chance in love, i think i have to rest the situation. i am not after anyone, any guy as of the moment. i am on the road towards making myself happy. if he comes along, then lucky for me. i am not closing my doors for mr right or mr right-now. i am just simply enjoying what i have right now, self-love.

bottomline

what people don't know won't hurt them, right? maybe, probably. what's it got to do with this honest to goodness post, bottom line is I'M EXHAUSTED. yes, to some people it's just a minor thing, this pressure around me. i mean pressure is to be taken positively, right? WRONG. it absolutely depends on the person and how he copes with stress. me and stress don't co-exist in the same ecosystem. i fret with stress, i break with pressure. i can't think because i'm thinking too much with too little output. you see, i perceived stress too much than what is normal. yes, i deliver but the stress of not being able to deliver successfully is the matter. i always move to do something that would make a change but when i see it falling, i think about what will happen, the heart beats faster and boom, the concentration goes out the door.

this means i shut down with stress, like i'm always in panic mode, but no i never want people to see that i'm breaking, i just simply shut myself out. work pressure, cool it's manageable. but do they really think i'm just having work pressure? you have got to be kidding me. i have problems, no 25-year old can imagine, well to some of the same level as i am. i don't know how else to get rid of the stress but to get away from it, run away from it until it disappears on its own, which doesnt happen AT ALL. i'm like this, this is just the way i am. and please don't let me dish out whatever it is that i'm suffering right now, it's too whiny.

i need help. fast. and that's understanding. but hell, where can i get that now when i am surrounded by self-centered freaks who want it their way. i know times are hard and we have to put up with whatever it is that we have and be thankful of it. but how can we be thankful of it when it makes you sick. i had to take an hourly dose of tums and your tummy starts to grumble 3 kms from work, you feel acid going up your throat and then the headache comes in. and you feel all the same when you hear shouting in your house of some small thing that could bring up old grudges and a list of hurt feelings from a person who you NEVER considered as a competition but considers you as so.

i don't want to draw much attention to this phase in my life. i just need consideration THAT I AM HUMAN and I HAVE FEELINGS. i am not perfect. i have flaws, too many of them. i am sorry i am not perfect that i can't change the way i am everytime you tell me what's good or bad. i am not the ballerina in the jewelry box that you wind up and will give you a perfect dance everytime you do that. sometimes i break because i have my limit too.

I NEED HELP. I NEED YOU TO LISTEN TO ME SOMETIMES. i am not a wall, even though sometimes i seem like so or i seem to be always happy. *sigh*

taken using: nokia c3-00; edited using picnik.com

routine. that has become my life since i took a post in a part of the world i swear i wouldn't be but i still am. i swore i would change everything this year but i guess i said my word too early and i quit too soon to realize the life i would miss. but hey, i'm not complaining (well, i am, a bit). i get this and i get that. at least i am still employed and with the help of God i will be creating a miracle in a month's time. i grew my abdominal area a lot bigger than expected. i get backaches a lot often than i would have wanted. i get up at 7am, get ready for work, get to work, get stuck in mandaue traffic (cursing it), get to work late, work at my desk for most of the time, get ready to leave for home, go home, dinner and sleep. everyday ho-hum. weekends are a total different story. i am my impulsive self once again! i roam the streets, i roam the malls, i chill at bars but what i really love is listening to the waves, embracing the calm and silence the beaches of cebu has to offer. i know i work by the beach but that's a totally different story. leaving your brains in the office and your worries for tomorrow, PRICELESS. it's an utter touch of heaven i would love to disappear in...

spur of the moment, blame it on the rain and february

This one I got off the internet on some random scouring... I realized, I must be plagued with this situation. I don't know what it is with me and men, and yes I am having a bout of self-pity. I blame it on the February air, on flowers, chocolates, stuffed gifts and sweet what-nots. I blame it on the silly songs they play on the radio. I know I should wait it out, I've heard that line more than a couple of times. Maybe, it's not for me, maybe it's not now. Maybe... I could play with all the maybe's and still I'd end up with one word, maybe... and the uncertainty that comes with it. 


The Meantime Girl

She's the one you call when you're bored because she makes you laugh.

She's the one you talk to when you're feeling down because she's willing to lend an ear and be a friend. She's not the one you call when you need a date to your company's Christmas party, or to go dancing with on a Saturday night.

She's the one you spend time with between girlfriends, before you find "The One". You know, the one who you keep around in the meantime.

She's not one of the guys, not a tomboy, but you don't look at her as a "real" woman, either. She's not bitchy enough, moody enough, or sexy enough to be seen in that light.

She's too laid-back, too easily amused by the same things your male buddies are amused by. She's too understanding, too comfortable – she doesn't make you feel nervous or excited the way a "real" woman does.

But she's cool, and nice, and funny, and attractive enough that when you're lonely or horny and need intimate female companionship, she'll do just fine.

You don't have to wine and dine her because she knows the real you already, and you don't have any facades to keep up, no pretenses to preserve. You're not trying to get anything of substance out of her. She's not easy, but you know that she cares about you and is attracted to you, and that she'll give you the intimacy you need. And you know you don't have to explain yourself or the situation, that she'll be able to cope with the fact that this isn't the beginning of a relationship or that there's any possibility that you have any real romantic feelings for her.

It won't bother her that you'll get up in the morning, put on your pants, say goodbye, and go on a date with the woman you've been mooning over for weeks who finally agreed to go out with you. She'll settle for a goodbye hug and a promise to call her and tell her how the date went. She's just so cool . . . why can't all women be like that?!

But deep down, if you really think about it (which you probably don't because to you, the situation between the two of you isn't important enough to merit any real thought), you know that it's really not fair.

You know that although she would never say it, it hurts her to know that despite all her good points and all the fun you two have, you don't think she's good enough to spend any real time with. Sure, it's mostly her fault, because she doesn't have to give in to your needs – she could play the hard-to-get b*tch like the rest of them do, if she really wanted to.

But you and she both know that she probably couldn't pull it off. Maybe she's too short, or a little overweight, or has a big birthmark on her forehead, or works at Taco Bell.

Whatever the reason, somehow life has given her a lot of really great qualities but has left out the ones that men want (or think they want) in a woman.

So she remains forever the funny friend, the steadfast companion, the secret lover, and you go on searching for your goddess who will somehow be everything you ever wanted in a woman.

She doesn't captivate you with her beauty or open doors with her smile. Mainly she blends in with the crowd. She's safe. She doesn't want to be the center of attention and turn the heads of everyone in the room. But she wants to turn someone's head. She wants to be special to someone, too. We all do.

She has feelings. She has a heart. In fact, she probably has a bigger and better heart than any woman you've ever known because she's had a front-row seat to The Mess That Is Your Life, and she likes you anyway. She obviously sees something worthwhile and redeeming in you because although you've given her nothing, absolutely no reason to still be around, she is.

Anyway, yeah. I'm a Meantime Girl. Been one more times than I care to admit. I don't know the reason, really, and at this point I don't even care. I just want to let every guy know who's ever had the good fortune to have a Meantime Girl that we may be a lot of fun, but we cry, too. A lot.

And someday we won't be around